Episode 604: Angela Lansbury transcript
Prologue: Guest Star's dressing room/''The Muppet Show'' theme song Scooter: On Door "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 15 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Why thanks, Scooter, it'll be such a wonderful night." Scooter: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), anything planned for the show tonight?" Guest Star: "Well, this year tonight will be a musical night." Cut to Kermit appearing through The Muppet Show logo......... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Angela Lansbury, yaaaaay!" Tempo Of Muppet Show Theme Song Playing In Background Rowlf: Music On Piano Zoot: 1 Single Note On Saxophone Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show Tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture '' Statler and Waldorf: ''to have to watch the show Music Playing Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirtational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show.......... Gonzo's trumpet lets out a great big snow drift...... Scene 1: Onstage/The introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, it's gonna be a very musical kind of show tonight, 'cause tonight's very special guest star is 1 of the most talented musical broadway actresses, Miss (Guest Star's Name), tonight's opening musical # is 1 of the songs that she sang throughout her entire career, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here she is to sing You'll Never Get Away From Me, Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!" Opening Musical #: You'll Never Get Away From Me Playing In Background Guest Star: You'll never get away from me you can climb the tallest tree I'll be there somehow Miss Piggy: true, you could say, "Hey, here's your hat" but a little thing like that couldn't stop me now Annie Sue Pig: I couldn't get away from you, Even if you told me to, so go on and try just try and you're gonna see how you're gonna not at all get away from me Gonzo: love lady, I really love you, but don't count your chickens Hilda: come dance with me Fozzie: I warn you that I'm no cub scout Scooter: relax awhile, come dance with me Mildred Huxtetter: so don't think that I'm easy pickin' Guest Star: the music's so nice Lew Zealand: kind woman, 'cause I just may some day pick up and pack out Janice: Oh, no you won't, no, not a chance no arguments, cheer up and dance Miss Piggy:you'll never get away from me you can climb the tallest tree I'll be there somehow Mildred Huxtetter: true, you could say, "Hey, here's your hat" Annie Sue Pig: but a little thing like that couldn't stop me now Rowlf: I couldn't get away from you, even if I wanted to Floyd: well, go on and try just try Wayne: Ah, lovely lady Wanda: and you're gonna see Scooter: Ah, true love Guest Star: how you're gonna not at all Guest Star and Muppet friends: get away from me Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........... Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, ever seen a real broadway theater musical before?" Statler: "No, but I've seen a lot of Shakespearean plays myself, lately." Waldorf: "Oh, really? which 1 did you see recently?" Statler: "Romeo and Juliet!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut to Kermit in his office backstage........ Kermit: "Alright, great job, everybody, you guys did great out there." Sam: "Hey, Kermit, do you mind if I perform The Bard and the Bald with my skeleton skull dummy, Mr. Clacky?" Kermit: "Why sure, Sam, congratulations, you're doing The Bard and the Bald this week." Kermit goes back onstage....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Sam the Eagle to perform The Bard and the Bald." Sam the Eagle Sketch #: The Bard and the Bald Sam: Throat "Greetings, my good friends, it is my rare privilige now to perform the soliloquy from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare, thank you for coming tonight." Sam: Throat Again "2B or not 2B." Mr. Clacky: "That is the pencil." Sam: "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." Mr. Clacky: ".....Or to take arms against a sea of truggles." Sam: "Truggles?" Mr. Clacky: "You've heard." Sam: "To sleep, perchance to dream." Mr. Clacky: "Aye, there's the rug." Sam: "For who would bear the whips and scorns of time? th' opressor's wrong? the proud man's contumely? when he himself might his quietus make..." Ripping Sound Mr. Clacky: "With a rare bodkin?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "Did you see that? the bird just bared the bard." Statler: "Good, 'cause the bard was very bored to death!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.... Sam: "I've never been so humiliated in my entire life." Kermit: "Alright, let's see, uh......Pigs in Space, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody!" Pigs in Space sketch #: Remote Controlled Frisbee Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the agreeable Dr. Strangepork." Announcer: "Where we last left our heroes of the Swine Trek, Dr. Strangepork made a new invention to show the entire crew." Dr. Strangepork: "Check out my new latest invention, you guys, it's a remote controlled Frisbee." Captain Link Hogthrob: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It controlls the basic movements of the original Frisbee." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Oh, now I know about it." Dr. Strangepork: "Watch how the Frisbee moves around, back forth, up and down, back and forth." The remote controlled Frisbee moves around back and forth, up and down, back and forth. Captain Link Hogthrob: "Wow, I've never seen anything like that." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep control of the remote controlled Frisbee? does 1st Mate Piggy know what's happening? will Captain Link Hogthrob ever steer the Swine Trek? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaace." At the Dance Sketch #: Don't Go Breakin' My Heart Playing In Background George: Don't go breakin' my heart Mildred Huxtetter: I couldn't if I tried George: oh, honey, if I get restless Mildred Huxtetter: baby, you're not that kind Continues Playing In Background George: don't go breakin' my heart Mildred Huxtetter: you took the weight off of me George: oh, honey, when you knocked on my door Mildred Huxtetter: I gave you my key Continues Playing George and Mildred Huxtetter: whoo-hoo, nobody knows it '' George: ''when I was down Mildred Huxtetter: I was your clown George and Mildred Huxtetter: whoo-hoo, nobody knows it, nobody knows George: right from the start Mildred Huxtetter: I gave you my heart, oh, oh, I gave you my heart Playing In Background Again George: so don't go breakin' my heart Mildred Huxtetter: I won't go breakin' your heart George and Mildred Huxtetter: don't go breakin' my heart Continues Playing In Background George: and nobody told us Mildred Huxtetter: 'cause nobody showed us George: and now it's up to us, babe Mildred Huxtetter: whoa, I think we can make it Playing Again George: so don't misunderstand me Mildred Huxtetter: you put the light in my life George: oh, you put the sparks to the flame Mildred Huxtetter: I've got your heart in my sights Playing In Background Again George and Mildred Huxtetter: whoo-hoo, nobody knows it George: when I was down Mildred Huxtetter: I was your clown George and Mildred Huxtetter: whoo-hoo, nobody knows it, nobody knows George: right from the start Mildred Huxtetter: I gave you my heart, oh, oh, I gave you my heart Playing Again George: so don't go breakin' my heart Mildred Huxtetter: I won't go breakin' your heart George and Mildred Huxtetter: don't go breakin' my heart Fades Away Veterinarian's Hospital sketch #: Beauregard as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So then I went downtown to the book shop, and I picked up a real good joke book that's titled Laughter is the Best Medicine yet, and I read it all day and night, then I was feeling so much better because of a real good joke." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "You crack me up." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So who's the new patient, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, this is our patient, and here he is." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the green sheets to reveal Beauregard lying there. Beauregard: "I think my brain's malfunctioning." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "That's another thing, you're going completeley hay wire!" Beauregard: "And I don't even know how to control myself properly." Announcer: "Does Nurse Piggy know what they're doing? will Dr. Bob ever keep up with his medical work? tune in next week to hear Nurse Janice say......" Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, any advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, there's 1 other thing, he'll be back to his normal self in a jiffy." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: ""So, have you ever had a brain malfunction before?" Statler: "No, but I've had my arms get all twisted once." Waldorf: "What makes you think about that?" Statler: "A giant octopus!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''Muppet News Flash sketch #: Crazy flying chickens flying around all over the place Newsman: (off screen) "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman, himself takes his seat at his desk. Newsman: "This just in that 4 crazy flying chickens are flying around all over the place, so you'd better be very careful, that they don't fly right into you." 1 of the crazy flying chickens flies right into the Newsman. Newsman: "Whoa, I didn't see that 1 coming!" Swedish Chef sketch #: tuna fish tacos Playing In Background Swedish Chef: ''Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, '' ''orn desh, dee born desh, '' ''de umn '' ''bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng toona feesh tecus, yoom, yoom, guud, yuoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a oopee 2 cuns ooff toona feesh veet a cun oopener." The Swedish Chef opens 2 cans of tuna fish with a can opener. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a dreeen oooot zee veter frum zee cun, boot nut zee toona feesh." The Swedish Chef drains out the water from the can, but not the tuna fish. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot in 2 scuups ooff toona feesh reeght intu zee cereel bool." The Swedish Chef puts in 2 scoops of tuna fish right into the cereal bowl. Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, 2 spuunffool's ooff leeght meyunneeese-a." Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a meex it ell up." The Swedish Chef Mixes up the tuna fish with the light mayonaise, and it becomes sandwich or taco material. Swedish Chef: "Perffect, noo ve-a poot sume-a intu iech und ifery seengle-a 1 ooff zee turteelles." The Swedish Chef puts the tuna fish right into the tortillas, and they come to life. Talking Tuna Fish Taco # 1: "I'm feeling the joy and excitement inside of me." Talking Tuna Fish Taco # 2: "I agree with all of you here." Talking Tuna Fish Taco # 3: "Let's hope that nobody eats any of us." Talk Spot: Kermit and Guest Star speak about Shakespearean plays Guest Star: "So, Kermit, do you know any Shakespearean plays by heart?" Kermit: "Well, I know Hamlet, A Mid Summer Night's Dream and Romeo and Juliet." Guest Star: "That's good, you know, I've seen a lot of movies of them myself, lately." Kermit: "Oh, really? no doubt about it." ''Bear on Patrol'' sketch #: Impersonating a rock and roll singer named Elvin Prosley (Elvis Presley parody character, mentioned) Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, come along, you, come along." Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Excuse me, Patrol Bear, what seems to be the problem here?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man was impersonating a rock and roll singer named Elvin Prosley at the Las Vegas Hotel." Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, really? where exactly was he in the hotel?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "He was in the dining hall, singing and disco dancing, and I recognized his original face." Scooter: "But I told you, I was only trying to win that contest!" Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "So, Scooter, how'd you get into that contest, anyway?" Scooter: "Well, I was in the Las Vegas Hotel dining room, and well, here I am." Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, in that case, you're finally free to go right now." Scooter: "Oh thanks, Officer Hogthrob." Scooter walks around outta the police patrol department. Cut back to Kermit's office backstage again......... Kermit: "Fozzie, Scooter, Link, that was terrific." Fozzie: "Thanks, Kermit." Scooter: "We really like it." Captain Link Hogthrob: "You can always count on me as the official police officer." Kermit: "Now what's next on the list?" Kermit: "Oh, Muppet Labs, Muppet Labs is next onstage, Dr. Honeydew, Beaker, get on out here!" ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Action-Spring Sneakers Ticking Labs Theme Music Playing In Background Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here again at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Today, we're demonstrating 1 of our latest and greatest inventions, but 1st of all, did you ever wish you could spring into action? well, there you have it, Action-Spring Sneakers, which my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, now come on over here, Beaker." Beaker comes on over to try on the Action-Spring Sneakers. Bunsen: "That's it, now just sit on this stool right here." Beaker sits right on the stool, while Bunsen puts the Action-Spring Sneakers on Beaker's feet. Bunsen: "Just as you can see, Beaker will be springing into action in the nick of time." Beaker gets up from the stool, but he suddenly begins jumping around all over the place. Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for today, join us again next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the Balcony once again............ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once used to spring into action." Statler: "Did you ever use Action-Spring Sneakers?" Waldorf: "No, I used a pogo-stick to get around." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Kermit: "I'm going out there to introduce Miss Piggy onstage." Kermit goes back out onstage again....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Miss Piggy to sing Never Before, never Again." Closing Musical #: Never Before, Never Again Rowlf: Music On Piano Miss Piggy: Never before, have 2 souls joined so freely, and so fast for me this is the first time and the last is this an angel's wish for men? never before and never again and where to find the words to sing it's worth this love was bound for heaven, not for earth this love was meant to light the stars, but when we touched, we made it ours and would they take it back? oh, no, they wouldn't dare! why should they take it back, when there's enough to share with all the world and fill the heavens above with left-over love? never before, a love that just keeps growing on and on, to fill each lover's heart and light the dawn is this an angel's wish for men? never before and never again never before and never again Ends Cut back to Statler and Waldorf 1 more time......... Waldorf: "You know, I once heard this song in The Muppet Movie before." Statler: "You've heard of it, Waldorf?" Waldorf: "Well, yeah, when it all began at a town square fair." Statler: "Did you faint because of it?" Waldorf: "No, I just fell asleep through it." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Scene 2: The final wrap-up Kermit: "Thank you again, everybody, you all have been a wonderful audience tonight, and it's been such an honor of having all of you here, but right now, let's give a warm rousing applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaay!" The Guest Star steps right out onstage........... Guest Star: "Thanks, Kermit and everybody, it's been such a lovely night being here on The Muppet Show with all of you guys." Beauregard steps right out onstage as well....... Beauregard: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st Name), you're looking more beautiful as always." Guest Star: "Why thanks, Beauregard." Kermit: "Alright, that's our show for tonight, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Starring the voice performers *Steve Whitmire *Eric Jacobson *Dave Goelz *Matt Vogel *David Rudman *Bill Barretta *Tyler Bunch *Peter Linz *Alice Dinnean Vernon Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more......... Statler: "Hey, Waldorf, you think it's really expensive to get a ticket to see a Shakespearean performance?" Waldorf: "No, but I've actually seen them myself lately." Statler: "Well, which theater did you see it at?" Waldorf: "The Globe Theater!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once More Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts Category:Transcripts